The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 9

“Now, I am going to take your idiot in, but I feel as though your family is lacking somewhat in the type of unity that an idiot needs in order to survive.” Mr. Stonily concluded. “I’m going to require of you a pledge of commitment from this point on. Put your hands over your hearts, and repeat after me.”

He paused until he could see Steletta and Bootsy put their hands over their hearts.

“I am my idiot.” Mr. Stonily intoned.

“I am my idiot.” Steletta and Bootsy replied.

“My idiot is me.” Mr. Stonily continued.

“My idiot is me.” Steletta and Bootsy repeated, a bit more hesitantly replied.

“If I cannot commit to myself, I cannot commit to my idiot.”

“Now, honestly, I don’t see-” Steletta’s protest was cut short by a jab to the ribs by Bootsy. She cleared her throat and corrected “If I cannot commit to myself, I cannot commit to my idiot.”

“Very good, you may now lower your hands.” Mr. Stonily intoned. Steletta and Bootsy followed with a sigh of relief. “Now, while your idiot is away, I want to make sure you continue a measure of this support with him in letters and during visits. If you should ever be in doubt, repeat to yourself the oath. Are we ready to go, then?”

“Yes, you are free to take him. He hasn’t anything but what he has on him.” Steletta said, turning back to Heely. She nearly flipped her bonnet when she saw Heely once again pouring over that book again. “You ninnyhammer, have you been paying attention at-”

“Remember, dear, the oath.” Bootsy kindly reminded.

Steletta heaved a sigh and began. “I am my idiot….”

Mr. Stonily took the book away from Heely. “Don’t worry my boy. There will be plenty of books for you to deal with inside.” 

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 8 

When the trio walked in, Mr. Stonily ran his fingers through his mustache and exclaimed, “My we are an interesting bunch aren’t we? So, which one of the three of you is the idiot?”

“He is!” Steletta said, pointing at Heely. “Ordinarily we’d hold nothing against him. His idiocy is one of his finer traits, in fact. However, lately he’s been less and less cranially available during our usual scam-uh, projects, and I think perhaps some time in your institution might be what may help to improve his awareness.”

“That seems a bit out of sort, doesn’t it?” Bootsy interjected. “For one, this has got to be the first time Heely has ever really botched a job…”

“Don’t you squirm out of this too, you nematode!” Steletta snapped back at Bootsy.  “This is my plan and I know it to be foolproof!”

“If you think you’re plan is so great? Why don’t you try sharing it with us sometime!” Bootsy continued to argue. “And while you’re at it, why not come up with a part for Heely instead of expecting his feeble mind to fill in the blanks.”

“’’ey, Steletta, would you mind lettin’ me have my book back?” Helly asked as he tugged on Steletta’s sleeve.

The three continued to argue as such while Mr. Stonily watched with a sneering expression on his face. After letting things go on this way for nearly a minute, he raised his hand. “Now that is enough! We can’t have wild, temperamental, argumentativeness here. This is a school after all.”

The trio silenced, straightened out, and in the same unison as three schoolchildren responded “Yes, Mr. Stonily.” 

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 7

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The next morning, The Three-Headed Mob stood outside of what looked like a vast, sterile academic looking building. Bootsy was disguised in a brown overcoat and a large bushy moustache. Steletta wore a nurse’s outfit with a white bonnet, and Heely was dressed as a short-panted schoolboy with a straw hat, which seemed appropriate since he had already tucked his head into his copy of Oliver Twist.

“All-right, Heely? Are you all clear with the plan?” Steletta asked.

“I dunno, Steletta,” Helly said in a reluctant tone. “Yous all know dat I’m not very good at schools.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, Heely.” Bootsy said with a bold tone. “This is a special school, made especially for the sluggishly stupefied.”

“Also, you’re not nearly going in as a student.” Steletta said slyly. “You’re going to be our inside idiot. You’ll keep an eye around the grounds until you see an opportunity to pull a grandiose scam. Then, you can send Bootsy and me a letter, and we’ll be by your side to yank the lunch money out of every last colorful nitwit. Do you understand?”

Heely didn’t reply, in the length of the explanation, he’d returned to his book. Steletta gave a huff and yanked the book out of his hands, tucking it into her purse. “Let’s just go.”

The two entered the grounds and made a right turn into the registration office. There they found a broad-shouldered man with a bald head and a bushy, walrus-like mustache sitting at the registration desk.    

“Ah, you must be my one o‘clock appointment. Welcome to The Home of Wayward Idiots. I’m Tom Saris Stonily, the ward-Uh, I mean, headmaster.” 

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 6 

Indeed The Scarlet Derby was right to assume that The Three-Headed Mob. Had escaped. For just a moment later, in a drafty run down house in the bad part of town, Steletta paced the floor, rubbing her forearms together swiftly and shuddering. “It’s too bloody cold in here, Bootsy, toss another one onto the fire.”

“Yes ma’am.” Bootsy reached over and pulled another scrap of wood off of a rapidly growing gap in the wall, and tossed it onto a fire in the center of the room. Steletta gave a sigh, slinking down to the seated fire and crooning. “That is sooooooo much better.” She heard her stomach growl, and then asked. “What do we have to eat?”

“Tonight we have an option: We can have either have a can of beans, or a bean of a can.” Bootsy declared, holding up one option in each hand.

“I’ll take the bean of a can. I need to watch my delicate figure.” She took the single bean, and swallowed it whole. “Will Heely be around to partake of this banquet with us?”

“No, he’s already gone back to his home.” Bootsy declared as he attempted to wrench the other tin can open with his bare hands.

“Unbelievable.” Steletta groaned. “First he leaves us in the lurch during the caper, and now he leaves for his own home without a word. If I were not so fair and just, I’d question his lack of dedication.”

“Indeed, your reprehensibleness,” Bootsy agreed “He can’t help but lapse at times, though. He’s an idiot. It’s what idiots do.”

“Well, I wish there was a way to turn an idiot into someone more upwardly motivated.” Steletta scoffed. That’s when an enormous breeze came through the house, and a newspaper flew from the gap in the wall and smacked Steletta in the face. Steletta angrily wrenched off the paper, and was about to toss it into the fire, when she stopped with her eyes over a single ad.

“What does it say, Steletta?” Bootsy asked, as he held two halves of a can in each and a mouth full of beans.

Steletta gave a sly grin and said “This is just what I’ve been looking for.” 

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 5 

Finally, Heely emerged holding three enormous sacks of pennies, one in each hand, and one balanced on the center of his head. “Awwright yous, two do-gooders, how’d you like a bit of spare change!?” With that, he chucked the three gigantic bags towards The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay. To no great surprise, The Derby and Jay easily dodged the incoming loose change and gave a sneering retort to the late coming thug.

“Really?” The Jay scoffed. “We waited all this time to have penny sacks lobbed at us, that was your master plan?”

Heely stood there, scratching his head .“Duh, yeah it was my plan: First I throw the bags, den the bags explode because of all deh fuse bombs I put in deh bags.”

The Jay gave a pause from her jeering, her whole being recoiling in horror. “These…bags are full of bombs?”

Heely nodded.

“And when they explode, penny shrapnel is going to fly everywhere?” The Jay continued.

Heely nodded once again.

The Jay took a couple of steps back,  hooking The Derby’s arm along the way. “Run, dear.”

“I’m sorry, I-” The Derby tried to protest, but was only pulled away quicker.

“Run! Take cover!” The Jay insisted, and the two returned to their space behind the card table just as the bomb bags went off, cracking the pavement and sending hundreds of additional stolen pennies in all directions. Once the chaos had settled, The Derby and Jay peeked their heads back out amidst the clouds of black powder.

“No sign of the Three-Headed Mob.” The Derby reported.

“You don’t suppose they…” The Jay said ominously, fearing the worst.

The Derby shook his head. “Most likely they used our retreat as an excuse to make their own. “

The Jay clicked her tongue. “Well, one thing is for certain: that third lackey of theirs was pretty brilliant in his stupidity today.”

“I’ve never seen something so ingeniously moronic.” The Derby agreed.

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 4 

With a salute and a shout of “Right away our magnanimous leader,” Heely scrambled off his perch and into the bingo hall in search of their missing comrade.  No more than a single room in, he’d found Heely, sitting cross-legged in the middle of a floor surrounded by bags of pennies, deeply engrossed in a book he was reading while waiting for his cue.

“So, I take it you’re already finished with The Ryme of the Ancient Mariner?” Bootsy asked.

“Duh yeah, I’m now readin’ Oliver Twist. It’s been pretty good…” Heely replied fondly “It’s about an orphan who fell in wit’ some bad guys. Kinda reminds me of me when we all was little, an’ we….”

Bootsy waved his hand in front of Heely, to regain his attention. “Litsen, Heely, I’m glad you have this appreciation for literature, but Steletta is still waiting for you to put in your end of the plan, and it’s probably best we not let her down again.”

“I gotcha, Bootsy. Tell her I’m on my way!” Heely gave a salute while Bootsy reluctantly made his way out the door and back to Steletta’s side. Clearing his throat, Bootsy informed Steletta. “He’ll be out in a moment.”

“He didn’t get caught up in another book did he?”  Steletta asked agitatedly.

“I’m afraid so.” Bootsy replied.

Steletta huffed. “I figured as much. I wish that ninny was as good as being a crook as he was at being a bookmark. You wouldn’t catch me pre-empting a caper to pour over one of those little clamshell fantasies.”

“That, I would not.” Bootsy agreed, giving a slightly grotesque smirk. 

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 3

Bootsy gave an angry groan and pounded his fist over the front of his now diffused weapon. “Curses, all that work just gone to rust.”

“We’re not spent, yet, Bootsy, “Steletta declared. “I’ve still got a fencing match to-” Steletta was cut off the moment The Jay swung her blade into the villain’s foil, sending it spinning and landing point up into the ground.

“-to lose.” Steletta gave a groan.

“Looks like you’ve been bested once again.” The Jay shrewdly intoned.

“Not so fast, heroes. We’re not known as ‘The Two-Headed Mob’ after all.” Steletta intoned.

“Indeed. Soon our brawny counterpart, Heely, will emerge with a perfectly dimwitted plan to assure our grand escape.”  Bootsy added.

It was then that The Derby emerged from behind the card table cover and returned to The Jay’s side. “So, we’re still at a standoff then?”  

The Jay nodded “They won’t give themselves up until we’ve placed equal defeat upon their idiot.”

The Derby heaved a sigh. “It is a trademark of criminals suffering from Despicable Triplicate syndrome: They always expect their third accomplice is always going to redeem the failures of the other two.”

“Even when that individual is an admitted dunderhead.” The Jay said drolly. Rolling her head back towards Steletta, she asked. “So where is this savior of yours, then.”

“Oh, he’ll be coming all-right, ready to strike when you least expect it.” Steletta declared. A lengthy moment of silence followed. Then Steletta turned over towards Bootsy and shouted. “Well, don’t just stand there, rusting, you cretin! Go find out what’s keeping, Heely!” 

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 2 

Bootsy then turned his rapid fire pennies towards Midnight Jay. The force of the rapid stream knocked both The Jay’s umbrella and Steletta’s foil straight out of their hands. “Careful, you fool!” Steletta barked at her inventive henchman “If you’d tagged me just a meter closer, I would have been down for the pound myself!”

Bootsy clapped his hands together and bowed his head “Oh, excuse me, oh powerful and honorable Steletta, yours would have been the most honorable casualty of war, statues would be erected in you-” Bootsy was cut off when the shoe that Steletta removed, flew through the air and hit him square across the face. “Stop sniveling and keep firing!”

“Y-yes Steletta…” Bootsy turned the penny cannon on the Jay, who immediately fled for cover behind the same card table The Derby was using for cover.

“Can you believe these three? I never thought they’d ever resort to such violent force.” The Jay panted.

“Oh, I don’t know. They still seem like penny antics to me.” The Derby snickered.

“Very funny, dear,” The Jay rolled her eyes. “What do you propose we do about this?”

“I’ve got one idea, but it’s a long shot.” The Derby reached for one of the many vials of chemicals he keeps in the bandolier at his chest. “Or rather, I should say, it is a long bomb!” The Derby rose quickly from his spot and tossed the vial in an arc over the air. It broke open on the surface of Bootsy’s copper cannon, and within seconds, spread a mass of crusty rust all across the sinister device, jamming it and keeping it from firing off more pennies.

Victoriously, The Derby stood back up from cover and declared. “Haw, your Rapid-Fire Penny-Cannon is no match for my Super-Concentrated Rapid-Oxidizing Anti-Copper Compound. Patent-pending…”    

The Home of Wayward Idiots - Pt. 1

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One evening, The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay found themselves locked in a heated battle with that sinister trio of masterful criminals, The Three-Headed Mob. The Midnight Jay was occupied in a fencing match with the trio’s leader, the vain and ambitious Steletta, while The Derby busily clawed his way through a pile of card tables, in search of the team’s mastermind, Bootsy.

“You may barricade, Bootsy, but you cannot hide!” The Derby declared. “The long arm of the law shall never tire of pushing over card tables!”

The Jay, while deflecting several shots from Steletta’s foil, added. “It is truly a despicable crime you three have committed. I never thought any criminal, even a small time thug such as you and your cohorts could stoop so low as to extort petty cash from old ladies’ bingo games.”  

“Ah, but as usual, you fail to see the overall brilliance of our plan.” Steletta grinned, her smile threatening to soften the gleam of her fencing implement. “You see, we didn’t extort pennies from old ladies simply to keep them. While we’ve kept the two of you busy, Bootsy has been hard at work on his latest invention…”

The Derby quit flipping tables to turn around in surprise. “And what pray tell would that be?”

The remaining card tables split apart in what seemed like an explosion. Rising above the rubble was Bootsy, sitting atop a cannon-shaped object constructed from copper, with a lethal looking gun barrel at its end. “Behold!” Bootsy declared “The Ten-Thousand Rounds Per-Second Super-Deluxe Rapid-Fire Penny Cannon! Patent-pending…” Pulling what could only be the device’s trigger, Bootsy unleashed a volley of rapid fire pennies at The Derby, who jumped and ran for cover behind some of the very tables he’d pushed aside.

Monstrosity Returns - Pt. 24

A moment later The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay returned up the chair to meet up with The Constable.

“I thought that Silas would be with you…” The Constable said, taking a puff of his pipe.

“No, I’m afraid he overpowered us and escaped.” The Jay explained. “We were hoping that, with your men surrounding the manor that you would have caught him.”

“That didn’t happen either. It’s a real shame, how he does such despicable things and always manages to get away with it.” The Constable paused as he turned his pipe upside down and clapped the burnt embers onto the walkway beneath his feet. “You must at least be happy that this law of his will soon be repealed, though.”

“Indeed we are, Constable.” The Derby affirmed. “Doubtless we’ll catch up to that repulsive reprobate sooner or later.”

“How soon do you suppose?” The Constable asked.

“If not in fifteen minutes than by next month.” The Jay said coyly.

THE END